Although my clients come to me for their presenting symptoms, it doesn’t take long for the issue of identity to take center stage. Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose? These existential concerns often end up outweighing the pain of anxiety, depression, and relationship difficulties. Having worked with many clients who need help discerning and strengthening a core identity, I have noticed certain broad categories. One defines himself in terms of what he lacks. This client believes he is not enough in terms of being smart, attractive, successful, financially secure, self-confident, decisive or good at communicating with and relating to others. A second type is disconnected from self and suffers great confusion about who he is, what is important to him, and what he is meant to do with his life. He feels as if he is floating through life unable to take a stand, invest his energy in a cause, set boundaries or find his tribe.
I distinguish these broad types of identity from the roles that clients adopted in childhood/adolescence to survive and cope with traumatic situations. These include rescuer, caretaker, peacemaker, rebel, victim, martyr, clown, etc. Clients who have lived out such roles tend to misperceive their identity by blending it with their unconsciously chosen life role. They can’t get to the issue of core identity until they understand they have been living in and through a persona, not a real and unique identity.
The identity based on lack is a negative identity which precipitates anxiety, risk-aversion, procrastination, defensiveness, and the need for compensations which can include grandiosity, perfectionism, and workaholism. These clients are most likely to experience imposter syndrome while doing their best to appear secure. The type lacking any sense of identity dissociates through life and is prone to use substances to avoid psychological pain and shame. Such clients have difficulties with attachment and boundaries. They don’t feel self-worth or belonging. Both types of identity promote self-isolation.
In my work with clients having these two types of problematic identity I seek to help them gain a clear understanding of how they developed, how they can see an emergent self through the fog of lack or emptiness, and how to nurture/strengthen this emergent self so they can be self-confident, risk-taking, productive, and creative. Obviously, no one person is a pure version of either broad category of identity. There are many exceptions and overlaps. On the other hand, having a rough guide to your client’s main form of identity can be helpful.
