Spouses and partners in long term relations can follow a trajectory of absolute adoration powered by oxytocin; coming back down to earth only to see each other’s flaws, trying to reconcile them with the initial idealized image, and trying to stay loving despite growing ambivalence and tension; finding oneself irritated and annoyed by the other’s perceived failures; and then, in some cases, devolving into hair-trigger anger, criticism, and scathing global judgments. As a therapist I get called in to do couples counseling when the members of the couple have become intolerant, hyper-reactive, snapping turtles.
These couples are on the ropes but choose therapy because there is still a flicker of love, hope, and the desire to get back to the love they once shared. When couples are struck in this loop they expect and scan for irritating behaviors and when they see one they pounce like a mountain lion over things as mundane and petty as getting home late from work, letting dirty dishes pile up in the sink, not folding the dried laundry or leaving dirty socks on the floor. Other examples are being distracted and not listening well, giving advice not empathy, cutting off your spouse when he or she is speaking, not following through on promises or finding excuses not to visit his or her parents.
There are many, many therapeutic approaches to solving this problem you can find in books, videos, TED Talks, and lectures at conferences. Most of them make good sense and have something worthwhile to offer, and yet in practice, using these approaches on your own or in couple counseling is far from fool proof. All too often one sees a chaotic pattern of slight improvement alternating with regression to intolerance and sniping.
I do not pretend to have the solution to this age-old relationship problem, but I do have a suggestion that can help here. I call it putting love first and it hinges on intention, mindfulness, and consistent action. The basic framework involves several components. First, it is inevitable that your spouse or partner will say or do things that you can’t stand and which will push your buttons. The more times the same unwanted behavior occurs the quicker and harsher the reaction it provokes. Second, if you do nothing to inhibit your automatic reaction you will communicate strong disapproval by shaking your head, giving the cold shoulder or lashing out. Third, as a human being with agency you can choose to stop yourself, breathe, inhibit the negative reaction, and put love first.
What does it mean to put love first? It means giving the other space, grace, and forgiveness for being human and flawed and for behaving in ways that have come to annoy you. It means doing your best to be objective about how minor the transgression is in the totality of your relationship; how much damage you do when you snap angrily and say hurtful things; and how much goodwill you would generate by smiling or laughing affectionately at a simple faux pas. It means paying heed to the Golden Rule and asking yourself how you would feel getting a Darth Vader death stare and being scolded over a trivial misdeed? By finding the love and compassion that dwells within before responding, you can put love first and let go of the urge to strike like a Cobra at the person who used to mean the world to you. The more you do this the easier and more rewarding it gets and the result is a much happier, more peaceful, more cooperative relationship.