Established theory for childhood trauma (now captured in ICD-11 as CPTSD in Section 6B41) has got it right. Parents traumatize their children when they neglect or actively reject and invalidate their children’s needs to be seen and to matter; to freely express their feelings; to be held, touched, and spoken to in a loving manner; and to feel accepted, valued, protected, cared for, and safe. This form of trauma creates predictable and recognizable outcomes. The child on the receiving end grows up with a poor self-image; a strong even hostile inner critic; self-dislike or self-hate; negative beliefs about being different, unworthy, unwanted, unlovable, burdensome, and not belonging; and with mental health problems such as GAD, social anxiety, social avoidance, chronic or recurrent depression (sometimes with suicidal thoughts and impulses), OCD, and stunted psychosocial development.
What I find missing in most analyses of CPTSD is the effect of repeatedly losing the battle of wills between child and parent. To establish a sense of self-efficacy (the belief that I am able to accomplish what I set my mind to do) a child needs to win. By winning I mean the child must be able to state his intentions, desires, and purposes; be given a fair opportunity to bring them to fruition; to receive encouragement, recognition, and praise for accomplishment; and to receive help and support along the way as needed.
There are parents who thwart their child’s will on a regular or near constant basis. The reasons vary. The parents may be competitive. They may fear their child will get hurt or fail and suffer deflation with low morale. They may believe that being stern disciplinarians, setting strict limits, using punishment as a teaching tool for misconduct or “sinful” behavior are justified. Sometimes parents disfavor or dislike one of their children or use him as a scapegoat for family dysfunction. The motivation is less important than the behavior and its impact.
The upshot is that when parents virtually never let their child get his way and instead, stand in his way, the child never gains self-efficacy. When his will is thwarted and he keeps losing the battles of will he comes to believe he will never win and so using his will to accomplish a goal is futile. Why do I say this? Because over the years I keep noticing that some of my adult clients set goals only to undermine themselves. They do not take consistent, strategic action to materialize their wants. Instead, they come up with excuses like, “I forgot,” “I’m lazy,” “I meant to do it, but I never got around to it,” “things just got in my way,” or “it was a busy week.”
Why is it that a grown up person can’t manage to meditate for 5 minutes a day, go to the gym a few times a week, shower regularly, help with the dishes and laundry, get to bed at a reasonable time, eat healthier, eat less, drink less, watch less TV, browse YouTube less, look for a job, try to make a new friend, and the like? I have come to believe that this grown-up had his will crushed as a child, no longer believes in himself, and predicts failure. He actually believes he will lose whenever he exerts himself to reach an objective
Nietzsche had some things right when he spoke of the will to power – not the part about being a Superman or Ubermensch, but the part about needing some threshold level of will to accomplish anything. I don’t have any long-term prospective studies to prove my point. It is just a theory. However, it makes strong sense to me that if a traumatized child believes he will never get where he wants to go, his will was severely damaged in childhood, and accordingly his unconscious manifests this negative belief in myriad excuses to justify non-action and failure.
If I’m right than a therapist working with such an unwilling client should offer risk-taking through baby steps, psychoeducation about the potential to empower himself after his will was crushed in childhood, recognition and praise for baby steps actually taken, and training in mindfulness to discern quickly when he has the impulse to give up and shift to exerting his will to reach his goal.