Everyone I know, me included, has a set of compulsions, phobias, and compensations that strike others as odd and irritating, especially the spouses or partners most exposed to and affected by them. Resolving through sheer will to stop being controlled by them in 2026 won’t work. I am going to suggest an approach that is more realistic, practical, and feasible.
Compulsive behaviors are repetitive behaviors that one feels very little to no control over, even in the face of external criticism and internal shame. They include workaholism, perfectionism, exercise, sex, gambling, shopping, eating, hoarding, ritualistic acts, skin picking, zit popping, nail biting, and hair pulling. Phobias are excessive and irrational fears of generally harmless animals, things, people or places. Sometimes, but certainly not always, a phobia is rooted in an actual trauma such as being menaced, attacked or bitten by a dog. The list of phobias is long. Common ones are excessive fear of rats, snakes, spiders, germs, burglary, cancer, car crashes, and death.
Compensations are behaviors intended by the subconscious to overcome an impairing condition such as ADHD. Sometimes they function as a coping mechanism to neutralize the shame associated with a distorted self-image. Thus, a person with a narcissistic wound from childhood exhibits grandiose pretensions to greatness and superiority. A thin person engages in drastic calorie deprivation due to body dysmorphia which makes him or her appear grotesquely fat.
I know about how much compulsions, phobias, and compensations irritate others both by listening to my clients, and from spousal critiques. As a younger man paying off his first house, building a business from scratch, and co-parenting young children who kept waking up at night, I was very stressed out. During this time, I experienced a compulsion to drink and a bridge phobia. Thanks to therapy I no longer have either.
As an older adult who struggles with ADHD, I need to have my things in order, so I know where they are, and can find them easily without tension, bellowing or wasting time. When anyone enters our house to perform a service, such as the house cleaner, my objects are inevitably moved from their assigned place, with the predictable result that I get agitated and very pissed off. My excessive drinking and bridge phobia affected, annoyed, and sometimes angered my wife. Today it’s my intense emotional reaction to somebody moving my stuff that my wife can’t stand. She calls me a grouch when I do it. I don’t blame her for being unhappy with my peculiar behaviors, but I don’t like being called out on them either.
Wouldn’t our lives and the lives of our spouses or partners be so much easier if we didn’t exhibit compulsive, phobic or compensatory behaviors? Yes, because our lives would be more like the surface of a calm lake on a windless day than a very choppy lake during a storm. Certainly, our lives would be less exciting, but not all excitement is good for you, especially when it evokes negative emotions and a flood of cortisol.
The question that popped into my head today was, “if we could be more objective about how our compulsions, phobias, and compensations reduce the quality of our lives and those of our spouses, could we let them go?” Freud originally believed that crystalline self-awareness would generate instant behavior change, but he came to experience unconscious patient resistance. Of course, we resist when a spouse suggests that we stop drinking so much, that we accompany her on a hike up a mountain when we have acrophobia or that we pipe down when the house cleaner moves our TV remote or phone charger. So, what can we do?
Here are my suggestions. We can really try to be objective about the impact of our behavior. We can empathize with and do better at seeing and truly understanding our spouse’s point of view. Is our spouse really an intolerant, hyper-critical, over-reactive person or a normal person responding as normal people do? We can ask ourselves how we would feel if our spouse behaved exactly as we do and do our best to imagine it. We can also have self-compassion, recognize that our odd behaviors are part of the human condition, that we are not bad people, and that we can be forgiven for our struggles. We can then get in touch with what is called the wise self, the witnessing self or the higher self, and do effective change work. If none of that does the trick, we can always go back into therapy. Best of luck to all of us in 2026.