When a person gets the message from parents that she is not enough many difficulties arise in adulthood, including fear, anxiety, shame, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. A person who feels she is not good enough will hide her true self, seek to discern what others want or expect from her, and act in ways to gain their approval that deviate from genuine behavior. There is no doubt that feeling one is not good enough causes low self-esteem, perceptions of inferiority, and emotional pain. Many people who enter psychotherapy just want to feel good enough so they can finally engage in healthy self-care or finally experience self-acceptance, self-compassion, and even self-love. Sounds good, but what really underlies the need to feel good enough? This is rarely, if ever, brought up even though it should be. In my view, underneath the need to feel good enough is the most basic human need – the need to belong. Our human and hominid ancestors knew that being rejected and excluded or ostracized meant death in a world filled with carnivorous predators, cliff edges, treacherous swamps, mysterious illnesses, and poisonous animals, insects, and plants. To survive we needed solid social bonding and the protection/support of the whole tribe. Belonging and survival were one and the same. This fundamental knowledge is instinctive. Evolution has wired it into our genes and our brains. Not feeling good enough means one is not prepared to reach out for love or friendship, express one’s needs for this or become vulnerable enough to receive them, because feeling this way signals that one does not deserve them.
