How many times have you used or heard the expression self-sabatoge? It has a sinister ring to it. It seems to imply that you have deliberately, recklessly or impulsively done something to undermine yourself and so you are blameworthy. I think the word should be discarded because it embodies a fundamental misunderstanding. From my perspective as a therapist the flaw in self-sabatoge is that it simply glosses over the operation of unconscious coping mechanisms developed in childhood to protect ourselves from anticipated harm. A child repeatedly told by his father that he is an idiot, that he’s always wrong or has nothing of value to contribute to family discussions will develop severe anxiety about public speaking and social conversations. If he avoids engaging in these activities or gets totally flustered doing them, this isn’t self-sabatoge; nor is he to blame because true agency lies within the conscious mind. What’s really going on in this example is the operation of a purely unconscious defense mechanism meant to stop him from exposing himself to ridicule. The same applies to a woman who socially isolates because, as a child, her parents compared her appearance very unfavorably to that of her sister and predicted no man would ever want her. If such a woman declines dates it’s not self-sabatoge. It’s a coping mechanism for her low self-esteem about her looks. There is an unconscious part of her that fears and protects her from disparagement of her appearance that serves only to strengthen her low self-esteem. It’s hard enough to live with the consequences of emotional abuse to be told you’re to blame for them. A much kinder, more compassionate way to deal with clients’ unconscious coping mechanisms is to help them gain awareness of why they exist and get help healing the underlying pain that created them in the first place. An excellent modality for this kind of therapeutic work is Internal Family Systems.
