When I was a teenager living in New Jersey I managed to get a paid summer job in the paleontology department of the American Museum of Natural History in NYC, a job I loved. Every work day I would take a bus from NJ to the George Washington Bridge Terminal and then take the subway to the museum stop. At the end of the workday I needed to get an A train back to the terminal. The subway was hot, crowded, dirty, and smelly. I was tired and longed to get home where my parents had a swimming pool. Unfortunately, the damn A train never showed up. I would see 6-8 D trains go by before an A train finally showed up, leaving me very frustrated. I didn’t even know where the D train went, but one day – out of sheer frustration – I took the D train and ended up in the deepest, scariest part of the Bronx. But even then I didn’t learn my lesson. I did this at once if not twice again. When I told my older brother, who was an extremely rational/logical person, he said to me, “Harvey the definition of insanity is doing the wrong thing over and over hoping for a different result.” Are you someone who takes the D train in life with regard to major decisions about relationships, work or other important matters? Many of my clients do. How can this be? By virtue of my clinical experience, I can confidently say these people are not insane. Rather they developed a coping mechanism to survive childhood pain that leads them to make the same mistakes over and over. Whether the lesson was “I can’t rely on anyone so I have to do everything on my own,” or “nobody loves me so I will avoid relationships to avoid the pain of rejection,” by perpetuating the coping mechanism the client keeps getting outcomes he doesn’t want or like. Getting married multiple times to different people despite red flags that tell you it won’t work is taking the D train. Trying multiple jobs you know inside won’t work out is taking the D train. If this is you, then it would be extremely useful to get therapy to examine when, how, and why you developed a coping mechanism that inclines you to take the D train.
