We live in a society that greatly values personal growth and development. Here are some examples. First, ever since Maslow coined the term self-actualization in 1943 there has been an ever-increasing surge of interest in it among therapists and clients. Second, virtually every time I counsel a client who is dissatisfied with and about to leave a relationship, she/he complains that the other was content to stagnate and was not interested in growth. Third, the self-improvement market in the U.S. rakes in $10 billion per year. Is self-evolution an unqualified benefit with no costs of any kind? I’m not so sure. Despite its many great benefits, it can disrupt relationships, families, and careers. Think about it this way. The version of yourself that existed 5-10 years ago that got married, entered a career, started a business or moved to a particular geographic area for its scenery, weather, culture or food, no longer exists when you evolve. It has been replaced by a new self that may – for a great variety of reasons – reject some or all of these choices and question why the earlier self ever made them. The urge for change that accompanies the evolution of self leads us to break away from the past to blaze new paths. And while that can be a good thing that contributes greatly to our increased life satisfaction it is also a source of loss and grief. The fear of change that keeps us stuck in a place that no longer meets our needs should be balanced with the risks and losses that major changes inevitably bring. As a fan of the Buddha I like the middle road between stuckness and throwing everything overboard to live out a new version of the self. I believe that needed changes in one’s life can be consciously steered to bring greater satisfaction without blowing up one’s existing life like a bomb.
