Parents and teachers socialize children by using praise to recognize and reward instances where the child’s behavior is considered good, right or socially acceptable. When the child’s behavior is judged bad, wrong or socially inappropriate they will withhold praise and engage in some form of correction, criticism, scolding or punishment. All children want to feel loved and they quickly learn to get love by pleasing parents, teachers, and coaches. They experience a dopamine hit in anticipation of praise along with a shower of oxytocin and endorphins when the praise comes. In this way they become molded to seek, if not addicted to, external validation. The irony is that praise was not intended by adults to addict children to praise but rather to socialize them.
In my clinical experience I find clients who work tirelessly for external validation and who experience disappointment, resentment, and even anger when they don’t get it from a spouse, partner, boss, customer, client or other person expected to provide it. The perpetual effort to secure gratefulness and appreciation backfires because too many times the beneficiaries of the effort don’t reciprocate, and even when they do it just doesn’t feel like enough or doesn’t feel sincere. After a while the actor driven from inside to take actions to garner praise may start to see the world as unfair. He may think to himself “no matter what I do or how much I do for others, they just take it for granted as if they were entitled to it.” The reaction is one of confusion, bafflement, and frustration with a dash of bitterness.
When working with clients stuck in this place I talk about moving from dependence to self-sufficiency. This involves shifting the locus of control over their lives from outside validation to inner validation. I ask them to notice when they do something well and savor it by experiencing pride and pleasure in the accomplishment. No need to tell everyone else or anyone else. I point out that none us can control any other’s person’s reactions to what we do for them, and that if doing others a favor is motivated by the desire to obligate them to give praise in return, can we even say we have performed a good deed. It is possible to know in one’s heart that one has benefitted others or made a positive difference without hearing a word of thanks. The rain never asks for thanks from the trees and grass for watering them.
