Are narcissism and empathy ego states or traits? If they are ego states not permanent traits that define individuals, they could fluctuate from time to time depending on changing circumstance. This would explain how one and the same person could sometimes be more concerned with and protective of his own needs, feelings, and interests, while at other times more concerned with and solicitous toward the needs, feelings, and interests of others. When you think about someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder or a living saint like Mother Theresa, you are dealing with people who are virtually always selfish or selfless. These people seem to negate the idea that narcissism and empathy are changeable, shifting ego states; and yet they are not typical. Rather, they represent the extreme poles of humanity.
I believe that narcissism (seeing and treating others as mere means to one’s own ends) and empathy (seeing and treating others as human beings deserving of compassion) exist on a continuum and that the vast majority of people are closer the middle of a bell curve. Let’s look at two examples of situations that can bring out one or the other ego state, depending on a variety of factors. One of the examples involves sudden, unexpected good fortune, and the other involves sudden, unexpected bad fortune.
In the first example Bob, who has worked hard to be in the middle class, and never experienced wealth or poverty, wins the lottery. Bob might feel and act on generous impulses to share his winnings with family, close friends, and charities that feed the poor, fund cancer research or save endangered species. Bob might use all the money to acquire self-aggrandizing objects. He could also turn cynical and begin to see others as parasites who just want a piece of his money while not giving a damn about him.
In the second example Karen suddenly experiences nausea, loss of appetite, weight loss, and yellowing of her eyes and skin. She is soon diagnosed with end stage pancreatic cancer. Treatments don’t help and she grows progressively weaker and less able to care for herself. How will Karen respond? Will she make amends to and reconcile with family members she has wounded and alienated in the past? Will she be highly demanding of her loved ones, ungrateful for their help, and angry at all who don’t drop everything to meet her demands for money, companionship, and assistance?
If narcissism and empathy were traits, not states, it would be relatively easy to predict how Bob and Karen would react to their respective good and bad fortune. We would not be shocked or even surprised by how they responded. Yet how often does this happen? Isn’t it more common for the people around the Bobs and Karens of this world to be somewhat surprised by how they act and to say things like “it’s amazing how much he/she has changed.”
Here are the reasons I believe that narcissism and empathy more like traits than states, with a few notable exceptions. First, parents are able to unconsciously model and train their children to be more or less narcissistic or empathic; and yet in any given family some children will readily internalize what their parents’ model while others will perceive it and reject it. Second, when normal clients who do not have a personality disorder are in therapy, they can learn to spot moments when they are overly selfish or overly giving to the point of self-destructive codependency and shift their behavior. Third, I have seen judgmental, hard-hearted people learn acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness and start practicing empathy. Fourth, I have seen how the burdens of trauma, misfortune, and stress can negatively influence behavior up to the point where healing gives rise to insight, change, and growth. Fifth, I have seen how being part of a group, institution, or service organization that practices empathy can evoke empathy in people who empathy was underdeveloped.
Ultimately it is for you to decide whether you’re leaning toward selfishness or generosity is who you are and always were or whether the balance is susceptible to mindful change.
