Cultures across the globe define masculinity in their own ways with criteria for who is and isn’t manly. The emotional message to men is that they must measure up to those particular criteria or feel ashamed and less than. The physical criteria include height, weight, shape, appearance, facial hair, physique, and physical strength. The character criteria include being independent, tough, resilient, not backing down, not being overtly emotional and especially not crying, being in control, having opinions on everything, being a leader not a follower, etc. In America masculinity often dovetails with being perfect, i.e., never failing or making mistakes and never being uncertain, confused, anxious or, God forbid, afraid.
As a therapist I have quite a few male clients who suffer shame and anguish because they have fallen into the masculinity trap. The trap exists when a father has indoctrinated them into believing that these inhuman and unreachable standards are not only true but taking them as absolutes. These clients may attack themselves harshly over extended periods of time and fall into depression for a single episode of erectile dysfunction, for being fired or laid off from a job, for earning less than their wives or for not standing up to a bully boss even when they are dependent on the job to support their families. Men stuck in the masculinity trap suffer from not having their own permission to feel, to express emotion, to cry, to grieve or ask for help. They may also make their partners and children suffer by feeling compelled to dominate them by laying down inflexible rules of behavior, demanding absolute respect, not tolerating any “back talk,” and persisting in obviously poor decisions to save face.
When faced with a male client stuck in the masculinity trap it is helpful to use Socratic dialogue to prompt the client to discover for himself that the criteria for masculinity are in some ways tied to conditions of living that no longer exist because the physical and social world have changed significantly since they were invented. It can be helpful to get the client to see how his father and grandfather were so burdened and distressed by these unrealistic standards to as to suffer problems with anger, depression, and/or substance addiction.
Most important of all is psychoeducation regarding self-compassion. Boys that grew up with hyper-masculine fathers tend to see themselves as highly imperfect and inadequate. They focus their attention on where they fall short of the masculine ideal rather than on the ways in which they are good, capable, helpful or kind. For them being a good listener or a good friend pales in comparison with sucking at sports, being short or being afraid of bullies.
Kristen Neff has a wonderful website and book on self-compassion that I believe every therapist should read and introduce to clients lacking in self-compassion. When a male in the masculinity trap learns about and practices self-compassion, he is able to forgive him for not being perfect, accept himself as he is, and begin valuing his positive attributes which may well include sensitivity and empathy for others. Self-compassion is the key to the prison door of the masculinity trap.
