People who take responsibility for their lives tend to be active, dynamic, and alive. They create visions and goals for themselves; engage in research, consultation, and planning; and then strive to make happen what they want to happen. They know they can’t control others, external circumstances or outcomes. They know they can control process and they do their best to craft a process most likely to produce their desired result. When they fail, they do not blame others or collapse into ego states like self-pity, self-hate or despair. They bounce back and try again in new ways or make sensible alterations to their goals. People who habitually avoid responsibility tend to be passive, highly critical of others, and unpleasant. They invariably blame others when they don’t get what they want, something which reinforces their irrational perspective that they are owed help, assistance, and support, but do not owe this to anyone else, and need not offer appreciation to those who give it to them.
I don’t believe that anyone is born responsible or irresponsible. I do believe all of us have the capacity to be either and that how we are nurtured is decisive for which way we go in life. Good parents teach and model responsibility for their children. The other kind of parent says and does things that promote failure to take responsibility in their children. This can involve coddling, spoiling, enabling, over-protectiveness, and helicopter parenting – all of which promote dependence, helplessness, and lack of self-efficacy. Ultimately, being responsible for one’s life confers a sense of agency and fulfillment. Irresponsibility produces resentment and anger toward other people who do not sacrifice themselves and their attention, time, energy, and money to make life better for the person who won’t help him/her self.
There is one wrinkle to this story that is very important. Children who were abused or neglected by their parents and grew up feeling helpless, worthless, unlovable, and undeserving of anything good can achieve significant post-traumatic growth in psychotherapy and become responsible for their lives. The reward of PTG is gaining agency and the joy that goes with actively changing one’s behaviors for the better.
