When working with therapy clients I often find that a major source of their distress is feeling disconnected from, misunderstood by, and not sufficiently acknowledged and thanked by others for their contributions. The irony is that these same clients express a plethora of negative judgments about the people they want more recognition, care, and love from. How can you want to be truly seen and welcomed with open arms by the people you put down when they aren’t around? I have come to the conclusion that what Jung called the shadow is at work here. The shadow is the opposite of the persona we construct to be accepted and liked. It represents the urges and desires that we disown and repress so we do not have to face aspects of ourselves that are anti-social and which have no problem with violating ethical norms for self-satisfaction. Recently I have started incorporating shadow work into my sessions with clients who have never even heard of the shadow. The good thing is that they take to it readily and find it very helpful. When I introduce the purposes of shadow work I mention the following. One is to gain humility and recognize that everyone shares some of the very behaviors they condemn in others. This pricks the balloon of false superiority and helps facilitate connection with others. By seeing others as equals, who also struggle with their own shadows, and by seeing others as comrades in the quest for self-development they become more tolerant and accepting. This breaks down the wall of separation caused by seeing oneself as without flaws and others as full of them. Another purpose is to gain mindful awareness of how to inhibit shadow behaviors that cause self-sabotage or inflict collateral damage on others. It also helps clients constructively harness the power of shadow qualities that can be used to achieve things that bring clients meaning and satisfaction. For example, the urge to feel powerful, to stand out or to lead others is not necessarily bad. To the contrary it can push one to the limits of his/her talents and abilities. Lately I’ve been watching and reading about Novak Djokovich who just won his 24th Grand Slam title in tennis. Clearly there is something inside him pushing him to reach whatever the limits of his remarkable abilities might be. The fact that the will to power also powered Al Capone to become a murderous criminal feared by all does not negate this. All clients are better off knowing what lies in their shadows and being put in position to make a conscious choice of what to make of it.
