Clients at varying stages of life (usually from their early 20s through mid-life) may seek therapy to figure out who they are. Erik Erikson’s view that identity formation should be completed between the ages of 12-18 was overly optimistic. There are a variety of reasons for delay in knowing thyself as Socrates put it. One reason is that a young person who immigrates to the US may have been preoccupied with survival in countries where coups, civil war, natural disasters, famine or epidemic diseases prevail. Here in the US a child may have precious little opportunity to discern her identity while growing up with a bipolar, narcissistic, histrionic, borderline or addicted parent whose moods and needs always come first. The same is true when a parent is too rigid, controlling, invasive or overprotective to give his child any space within which to find herself.
When I get a client in search of her identity I ask them the following simple questions. What are your deepest wants and desires? What are your core values? What activities make you feel most alive and joyful? What aspects of human existence matter most to you? If you could be anyone, do anything or live anywhere during your life what would that be? What would you most like to be known for after your death? If your personality changes under certain circumstances (such as when you feel safe with close friends or you are under the influence of alcohol) what differences do you experience? If you are living behind a persona that you put out in the world to gain approval or avoid rejection, what lies behind that persona?
