Having served clients with ongoing difficulty and dissatisfaction in their marriage or long-term partnership I have noticed a common denominator in how they communicate and it’s based on fear. There are certain specific fears that block spouses/partners from directly and honestly speaking up about their feelings, desires, unmet needs, hurts, and resentments. These fears include fear of hurting the other, fear of rejection or abandonment, and fear of rocking the boat when things have gone smoothly in the recent past. Deliberate suppression of the words that must be said leads to intensification of whatever the problems are, conflict, and disconnection in the form of avoiding contact by pretending to be busy or preoccupied, the cold shoulder, etc. Can radical honesty help here? It depends what one means by radical honesty in this context. I see radical honesty as speaking one’s truth in a respectful, non-accusatory, and vulnerable way using I statements. This is the opposite of snapping or being blunt in an offensive, hurtful way. Blaming words, threatening to end the relationship or using the phrases you always or you never are not part of radical honesty. Rather, they represent impulsive and potentially explosive expressions of pent-up anger that weaken the relationship. In order to employ radical honesty – speaking one’s emotional truth to one’s spouse/partner in an emotionally regulated way that conveys sincerity, vulnerability, and respect – it is helpful to prepare the ground for the conversation. Steps that can increase the odds of success include arranging to have the conversation at a specific time with complete privacy when both parties can be relaxed, attentive, and receptive. Some of the worst times to open up about unmet needs or resentments arising from them is when the parties are stressed out by just arriving from work; preparing, serving or cleaning up dinner; taking care of crying children; or trying to process some recent bad news. Stress and engagement in multi-tasking are contradications to radical honesty. If you feel ready to try radical honesty there is another step that can really help and that’s asking yourself how you would likely hear and respond to what you have to say if you were in the shoes of your spouse/partner. If you would feel interest, curiosity, compassion or empathy that’s a positive sign to proceed. If you would feel boredom, impatience, irritation, frustration, hurt or anger that’s a red flag to reconsider your words. To take the preparation one step further you might even practice delivering your message with a trusted friend. Good luck.
