I am a trauma therapist and I am frequently asked by clients “how come I can’t let go of someone my rational mind tells me is bad for me?” When I question these clients I find that 99% of the time they had a parent who loved them inconsistently – a parent who was sometimes attentive, warm, affectionate, and caring and sometimes as distant and inaccessible as an ice cube due to problems with depression, bipolar depression, alcohol, drugs, personality disorder or just plain overwhelmed by work and parenting responsibilities. The best graphic representation I have ever seen of this phenomenon is the Still Face video by Dr. Edward Tronick.
This approach/avoid style of parenting produces insecure attachment. If, during development, the baby-toddler-child is repeatedly exposed to this manner of parenting by one or both parents she will predictably have a certain pattern of problems with intimate relationships. One generally sees a jumbled mix of intense desire for closeness, emotional neediness, fantasies of a permanent and stable love relationship, perceptions and fears of abandonment, and emotional crises that resemble a seesaw with all of their ups and downs. These characteristics are also present in clients with a borderline personality disorder, but in BPD the level of suffering, the behavioral outbursts, and the impairment of functioning is so extreme as to be an order of magnitude higher. There is another big difference between insecure attachment and BPD. The person with insecure attachment style is generally rational, non-psychotic, and non-suicidal. The person can stand outside herself and take an objective view of her situation despite being in a lot of emotional pain. She can feel, see, and recognize the polarization involved in holding onto a partner who cheats on her, leaches off her, manipulates her or exploits her. She can even face the issue and work on it productively in therapy.
From working with clients who developed an insecure attachment style due to their childhood home environment I have come to see that in virtually every case they display a markedly rigid cognitive style. This goes beyond insisting against the advice of family and friends that they dump the bad partner. It invades many aspects of their lives. It shows up as perfectionism, workaholism, compulsive exercise, and obsessive thinking. It is the polar opposite of having flexible cognition open to various ways of looking at issues and coming up with different options for solving them. I suspect that the brains of such adults wired up during childhood to protect themselves from the anxiety and pain that accompanies uncertainty and instability by becoming rigid. By flexing the cognitive muscle tightly and not letting go the developing child perceives enhanced control and less chance of being swept away by the approach-avoid parent.
Next time you are treating a client and you spot either cognitive rigidity or an insecure attachment style you might try to see if they are associated like a hand and glove in the life of the client. Cognitive flexibility is worth cultivating because it relaxes the mind, creates greater openness, and generates the possibility of accepting unwanted outcomes and moving on. It is a fertile bed for the crop of resilience. The association I have observed between cognitive rigidity and insecure attachment is qualitative and anecdotal. Nevertheless, it could prove help with regard to case conceptualization and treatment planning. I invite any therapists who read this posting to share their clinical experiences, insights, and opinions with me that are on topic.
