Frequent parental validation of one’s value and lovability as a person is essential to secure attachment and the feeling of safety. Frequent parental validation of one’s positive qualities (like kindness, generosity, concern for others, curiosity, and creativity) is equally essential. It is required for the development of ego strength, self-confidence, and optimism. Parental validation is the mirror in which healthy children see themselves and learn to feel good about themselves. When parents persistently ignore, criticize or demean their children, the children grow up to doubt their value, lovability, adequacy, and capability. As adults they are anxious to know where they stand and require frequent reassurance through the approval of others. When they don’t get it from a boss or spouses these adults can fall into discouragement, depression, and despair.
What can therapists do to help anxious adult clients whose needs for approval far exceed what those around them are able and willing to provide? Simply telling a client that you see her/him as being a good, valuable, capable and more than adequate human being does not work. Anxious adults crave praise but find it hard to believe, especially from their therapists who, by definition, must be loyal and helpful to them.
I have developed an approach that revolves around the difference between doing and being. Doing is a matter of performance and striving to obtain a reward such as external approval. No matter how much you do or how well you do it, your work is always subject to being taken for granted, being un or under-appreciated, and even being attributed to higher-ups who steal the credit. On top of that the dopamine hit from even the most successful piece of work doesn’t last long and is greeted soon after with the question of what have you done for me lately?
Being is a matter of connecting to and experiencing the source of one’s existence, one’s spirit, and one’s body. This experience can be gleaned in many ways including breath work, slow, mindful yoga, walking meditation, volunteer work for a cherished cause, self-compassion, and mindfully experiencing nature in a way that cultivates awe. When a client experiences the warm inner glow that accompanies the sensations of Being there is no need for approval to feel good. Regular use of a practice or of practices that cultivate connection with Being is self-reinforcing and inherently beneficial. At some point the anxious client will become much less anxious or needy for approval and much more secure in the belief that I am OK as I am.
