While social bonding in the form of a romantic relationship can contribute greatly to our overall well-being, getting dumped by your significant other often causes intense emotional pain. Studies show this pain goes beyond feeling things like sadness, emptiness, despair, shame, humiliation, anger, and vengefulness. Social rejection actually causes physical pain which can be reduced by OTC pain relievers. What makes being dumped this painful? It has a lot to do with how the rejected person cognitively appraises the rejection. This boils down to how the dumpee interprets what the rejection signifies about him or her. It is a mistake to view social rejection as a litmus test for one’s worth or lovability as a human being. When you perceive the rejection as objective judgment of your flaws as a person, you trigger every negative core belief you hold regarding yourself. These beliefs are formed as part of one’s self-schema (self-image) in childhood in response to abuse or neglect by parents. A dumpee with negative core beliefs might say to himself/herself “I got rejected because I’m ______________.” where the adjectives chosen to fill in the blank could be ugly, stupid, boring, selfish, insensitive, cowardly, stingy, a bad lover. etc.
In the language of CBT this is a cognitive distortion that involves black & white thinking and over-generalization, since not every other potential mate on the planet would reject you. It also involves the mistake of making assumptions, jumping to conclusions, and mind-reading. about why the other person rejected you. It’s very important to remember that there are countless reasons one’s romantic partner could have for ending the relationship, many of which bear no connection whatsoever to one’s merits, value or lovability as a person. Indeed, the dumper might be unable to sustain a loving relationship due to his/her own problems with trauma, self-esteem, fear of abandonment, intimacy, sexuality, depression, shame, anxiety, personality disorder or addiction. Further, we often don’t know and will never know why the other person actually rejected us, because he or she conceals, misrepresents or softens the real reason. Lastly, there is the mistake of thinking that if I don’t have this other person in my life I will never be happy or I will never find another person to love. This black & white belief usually comes from a combination of projecting your best qualities onto the other, blinding yourself to anything imperfect about him/her, and having become overly-dependent on the relationship for safety, emotional stability, identity, life-satisfaction, and meaning. Resilient people can do survive breakups all the time, even if they go through a period of pain and grief. If you are not able to pull yourself out of the pain, grief, guilt, depression or self-attacks that emerged from rejection, it would be a very good idea to see a psychotherapist.
