Once you are in therapy for fears rooted in traumatic memories from childhood there are a number of tools to help you in the present moment when those fears are activated. I have a number of adult clients who were the target of verbal aggression by their parents or who witnessed frequent verbal aggression between their parents. The lesson they learned was that speaking up to defend oneself or even expressing one’s emotions or opinions is likely to invite painful verbal aggression from other people. This lesson was stored in the part of their brain, the amygdala, that learns what is to be feared and avoided. Other parts of their brain (the medial prefrontal cortex, rostral anterior cingulate and hippocampus) developed a coping strategy that worked in childhood by making them invisible,but became maladaptive in adulthood. The strategy involved keeping a low profile, not sharing their thoughts and feelings, and being passive or even silent when they are unfairly confronted, accused or criticized. Because they remain very guarded or silent in the face of unfair accusations, such as the accusation of cheating when they are actually faithful, their spouse or partner is very likely to interpret the lack of response as proof of the truth of their accusation.
Let’s use a metaphor for how old fears that haunt us in the present can be inappropriate and serve to distort reality. Let’s imagine a cave man who sometimes encountered saber tooth tigers in the woods when he was out hunting. Each time he was terrified and each time he barely escaped with his life. After a while he stopped going into the woods and found other ways to acquire food. Years passed and due to rapid changes in climate, disappearance of food sources, and animal migration patterns, there were no longer any big cats in the forest. The forest had become safe for our caveman friend, but it never occurred to him that it might be safe to return there. He continued to believe the forest was filled with the deadly predators. Adults who suffered ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) grow up like the caveman in that they are ruled by fears which are no longer justified because the context of their lives have changed radically. They no longer live under the roof with parents exercising complete control over them and abusing that power to engage in verbal aggression. Just as the woods became safe, their lives have become safe enough for them to speak up about their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs without painful reprisal. Once they really grasp this point, they have made progress toward personal growth, increased freedom, and authenticity.
