Most romantic partners experience moments of joy when things go right and moments of disappointment, frustration, and anger when they don’t. Some clients who seek my help with regard to their relationship say they love their partner and don’t want to leave, but there is something in particular their partner does that drives them up the wall. Examples of what causes this include shutting down emotionally, clinging, refusing to attend social events like parties due to social anxiety, not helping out with chores like doing dishes and laundry, having recurrent episodes of depression, and abusing cannabis or alcohol. When their partner does these things my clients speak of feeling like their partner is not pulling her weight in the relationship, they are doing all the work, and they are not getting back close to what they put in.
The aggrieved client typically tries to resolve the issue by expressing her disappointment and frustration, believing this will motivate her partner to change. Instead, the partner feels browbeaten, gets hurt, and becomes defensive, so things go nowhere. From my perspective as a trauma therapist the partner who gets scolded for being depressed, introverted, clingy, lazy or self-medicating, is not doing any of these things deliberately to antagonize the client. Far from it. Rather the partner is simply using old coping mechanisms that helped her survive childhood, mechanisms which became dysfunctional in adulthood. The most effective way for the client to motivate her partner to change is to have compassion; to invite, encourage, and welcome baby steps toward change; and to reward those baby steps with gladness, gratitude, and love.
