A child who grows up consistently perceiving rejection by his parents and/or schoolmates is likely to feel increasingly excluded, isolated, depressed, and hopeless about connecting with others. Eventually, such a child may conclude there is something wrong with or defective about him that means rejection is his fate. Although coping mechanisms exist (whether it’s spending time alone playing video games or using substances) the problem is one of a persistently negative self-image. When this child becomes an adult, he may be too anxious to ask others out on dates. If he works up the courage (or liquid courage) to ask people out and does get rejected his mind will treat this as confirmation of his belief that there is something wrong with him that others detect. The more rejection the stronger the distorted belief. You get the idea if you have ever spent time with a person who is convinced you will reject them. There is a certain vibration such people give off. Perhaps they are too anxious, too quiet, too awkward socially, too deferential or too willing to please, and these are turn-offs. So, what can a person who predicts rejection do to help himself? The very first thing to realize is that your preoccupation with the idea that you are going to be rejected is highly distracting. You can’t pay attention to or engage with your date if you feel sure that she/he will reject you. It is distracting when you keep trying to interpret the other person’s comments and body language to gauge the likelihood of her/him rejecting you. It is also distracting when you look around the restaurant, bar or other venue at all the other couples who strike you as happy, relaxed, and glad to be together, something that triggers the “woe is me – this will never happen for me” line of thinking. Having recognized these sources of distraction it is time to come present and leave the distractions behind. How does one become present in a dating situation? Curiosity. Be curious about the other person and explore their life experiences, values, interests, passions, sense of humor, general philosophy of life, and what they do to have fun or find meaning while sharing your own. Being present and curious defuses fight-flight and spurs social engagement with all of its pleasures and rewards. Learning about the other and seeing her/his response to your self-disclosures can give you a very good idea of what you do and don’t share in common. Perhaps lots of things in common will make you attracted to and comfortable with the other. Perhaps finding out that the person across the table from you is quite different could stimulate your interest and attraction. Wow. She/he ice climbs, photographs wildlife in the rainforest or goes sea kayaking! Here is a chance to find out what those activities are like and even try them with your date. When you are present, curious, exploratory, engaged, and out of your own head, you put yourself in a position to treat the other person and the dating situation as unique, which means they are not a re-run or a carbon copy of all the dates that led to previous rejections. Being in a unique experience is freeing because it opens up your mind, and possibly your heart.
