Having done a fair amount of couples counseling I’ve noticed that many couples keep score and react emotionally to being ahead or behind. The score can relate to positive contributions such as grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, folding laundry, watching the kids while your spouse is working or on a business trip, listening attentively and supportively, taking a genuine interest in the other’s life, giving a massage, initiating love making or just remembering a birthday or anniversary. The score can relate to negatives such as sarcasm, shaming insults, starting an argument, retaliating with the cold shoulder, withholding affection or sex, blaming the other for anything that goes wrong, refusing to own one’s mistakes and apologize, forgetting or breaking promises, etc.
The way that keeping score works is that you get to feel superior to your spouse when your positive score substantially outweighs the other’s and you get to verbally degrade or attack the other when her/his negative score greatly exceeds your’s. Keeping score is not consistent with a respectful, caring, and loving relationship. It only serves to polarize a couple while increasing tension and acrimony. A much better way to carry out a relationship is with the virtues of kindness, generosity, gratitude, and forgiveness. In a healthy marriage, as time passes there is a wash between good turns that evens everything out, while minor irritations and annoyances are forgotten, because their importance pales in comparison to the good feelings and good will between spouses or partners.
