When people fall in love they typically share a vision of how much joy they will have living as an exclusive couple and how each will support the other in building his/her dreams of career and family. As the years go by it is common to see couples drift apart and lose the freshness and vitality of their original vision. They begin judging each other for things like not following through on promises, failing to be emotionally present/engaged, and failing to meet each other’s needs. They take each other for granted and stop giving appreciations. Gripes, resentments, and grudges build up like gunk in the pipe below a kitchen sink. If this process continues unabated it is likely that one or both members of a couple will fall into despair over things ever returning to the way they were. This is when loss of sexual intimacy, loss of vulnerable/authentic communication, substance abuse/addiction, and/or infidelity can creep into the relationship. Even if these bad consequences of division do not occur, a polarized relationship can feel deeply empty and unsatisfying. To discern, halt, and potentially reverse this progressive deterioration of a relationship, mindfulness and intentionality are called for. Each partner needs to take stock of what happened, how they got where they are, whether it makes sense to stay together, and what they want to do to make positive, lasting changes. Frank, vulnerable conversation is key here since the relationship has become deadened and is at risk, despite all pretensions and rationalizations to the contrary. This is the pivotal moment when a moribund relationship can be resuscitated, refreshed, and enlivened for the benefit of both partners. Carving out time to spend with each other is crucial. Sagging spirits can be re-energized by looking at photos of joyous moments past and revisiting the places where those moments occurred. Re-introducing physical touch back into the relationship with slow, baby steps can help as in holding hands or massaging one another will help. So will spending time eye gazing with your partner help you to really see and reconnect with the other. None of these activities exclude couple counseling. However, I have noticed that when couples start counseling when still highly polarized the odds of success are lower. Taking these kinds of preliminary steps can facilitate couple counseling or even obviate the need for it.
