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I have had two client cases recently in which a lifetime coping mechanism was rooted in how a child used his/her room to survive parental chaos. In one case a boy had an alcoholic father who would be angry, violent, and verbally abusive to his son. To stay out of father’s way and find some… Continue reading HOW CHILDREN SURVIVE PARENTAL CHAOS IN THEIR OWN ROOM

When depression strikes so does the inner urge to lay in bed, sleep through the day, call in sick for work, avoid people, and avoid normal activities that have provided you in the past with interest, pleasure, meaning, and social connection. Giving into this urge is the factor most responsible for perpetuating depression. Mental health… Continue reading WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE DEPRESSED

Imagine two different marriages. In the first, the couple has a whole plate they handle with care. This couple communicates, cooperates, and compromises well. They show attention, care, reasonableness, and flexibility in their interactions. Each of them perceives that their feelings are respected, understood, validated, and empathized with. Each of them strives to meet the… Continue reading Marital Conflict: A Tale of Two Plates

People who take responsibility for their lives tend to be active, dynamic, and alive. They create visions and goals for themselves; engage in research, consultation, and planning; and then strive to make happen what they want to happen. They know they can’t control others, external circumstances or outcomes. They know they can control process and… Continue reading THE DIVIDE BETWEEN RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE AND BLAMERS

Clients with intense anxiety engage in worst-case scenario thinking as they ruminate obsessively on “what-ifs.” These ruminations typically occur during unstructured time and bedtime. The best expression of living with what-ifs assaulting the mind is Shel Silverstein’s poem Whatif? What is happening in this ego state is that one’s imagination has been hijacked by fight-flight… Continue reading IMAGINATION – FRIEND OR FOE?

Clients at varying stages of life (usually from their early 20s through mid-life) may seek therapy to figure out who they are. Erik Erikson’s view that identity formation should be completed between the ages of 12-18 was overly optimistic. There are a variety of reasons for delay in knowing thyself as Socrates put it. One… Continue reading SIMPLE QUESTIONS FOR IDENTITY FORMATION THERAPY

Although ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder and it cannot be caused by childhood trauma, living with undiagnosed, untreated ADHD in childhood causes significant, and potentially life-long, emotional pain that can be mistaken for CPTSD when an adult seeks counseling for problems such as anxiety, depression, addiction or OCD. Think of a child burdened by classic… Continue reading THE OVERLAP BETWEEN CHILDHOOD TRAUM AND ADHD

The number one problem I have experienced with couples in conflict isn’t sex, money or power. It’s communication. The number one complaint about communication is that “when I speak to you, you’re not listening.” What are the ideal conditions under which one can deeply listen to and really hear his/her spouse, partner, child, friend, boss,… Continue reading IDEAL CONDITIONS FOR LISTENING TO ANOTHER PERSON

Clients with serious depression tend to ruminate over how bad they feel most of the time. Many of them imagine that non-depressed people are lucky because they go about their lives feeling good or at least OK. The truth is everyone feels disappointed, discouraged or defeated at times, and that it’s both normal and appropriate… Continue reading THE IMPORTANCE OF BALANCING MOODS

A child who grows up consistently perceiving rejection by his parents and/or schoolmates is likely to feel increasingly excluded, isolated, depressed, and hopeless about connecting with others. Eventually, such a child may conclude there is something wrong with or defective about him that means rejection is his fate. Although coping mechanisms exist (whether it’s spending… Continue reading EXPECTING REJECTION GUARANTEES IT – WHAT CAN YOU DO?