We, as humans, just want to love and be loved. We do this by trying to connect in the ways we know how, which could be through people-pleasing, compliments, gifts, kindnesses, appreciations, acts of service, etc. But no matter how hard we try, no matter how thoughtful our efforts, sometimes we get no feeling of connection back from the other person. When our efforts to connect do not evoke the feeling of connection in us based on how the other responds, we feel rejected, sad, and alone. There is no answer to this except the existential point that life is bittersweet and bounces back and forth from moments of connection/love to moments of disconnection/isolation. Somehow we have to keep going. One thing I have given up in my 37 year marriage is the expectation that my wife and I will always be connected. When she criticizes me for not doing something or doing it wrong I feel misunderstood and alone. I used to hold onto those feelings and all it did was keep me isolated. Now I go outside and breathe and let it go, certain in the knowledge that we will reconnect soon. Over time the ratio of connections to disconnections is a good one. We connect more than we miss. As a much younger man any missed connections were acutely painful and made me wonder if our marriage had a future. Now, I am much more able to take them in stride and bounce back because I trust in our love. I think this recognition might be useful for people out there experiencing pain from random moments of disconnection that far exceeds what is appropriate. In committed, long-term relationships, be they marriages or partnerships, it’s helpful to take the long view. Although not every moment is bright and shiny, nor is every moment bleak and painful. The saying tomorrow is another day applies in full force. The pendulations in connection can change from hour to hour or even minute to minute depending on how well we communicate.
