I have a client whose parents were hypercritical, rude, insulting, and discouraging toward him as he grew up. Both parents were unhappy, angry substance addicts. Understandably, this client developed a highly negative self-image. He saw himself as a weird guy who would never fit in or find success in relationships. Consequently, he isolated himself socially and lived in a depressed state. I tried to instill self-compassion in him using IFS. I tried CBT. I even tried the fake it til you make it strategy in which he was asked to suspend his negative self-belief for just one hour, while giving himself the chance to act as if he were confident and brave. That bombed too.
Finally, in desperation I created a story with a metaphor about a gray rock. The story went like this. Imagine some rock collectors enter a cave. The floor of the cave is littered with very plain gray rocks that hold no interest or value. After checking them out, the rock collectors decide to leave, but one of them says ‘hey, wait a minute, let’s turn some of these rocks over and see what’s underneath.’ They flip the rocks over and are astonished to see lots of quartz crystals with veins of shiny gold. Imagine yourself as the plain gray rock. Might you find capacities, skills, talents, and virtues within yourself that you never discovered before because you believed so strongly that you had nothing to offer anyone?
The story worked in the sense that this client was able to start questioning his old self-image. The way our brains work is that every time we think the same thought, it gets reinforced by the strengthening of neural circuits in our brain. To break down and loosen up the rigid thought and change it takes time. The more we challenge the old thought and begin to think the new thought in its place, the more we change. This correlates with weakening of the old neural circuitry and establishment of a new one.
