An anxious attachment style is when a person has experienced sufficient painful rejections to lack trust that friendships/romances will last and fears rejection to the point where it’s hard for her to fully commit to a relationship. Such a person is hypervigilant for signs of impending rejection. The avoidant style exists when a person who experiences the pain of perceived criticism/rejection in a relationship copes by means of physically avoiding the other, going silent or even dissociating. Attachment styles generally develop during the years 0-3. Experts on infant/child development have discovered that infants and toddlers are exquisitely sensitive to whether a mother pays consistent attention to them and treats them in a loving, caring, nurturing way or pays inconsistent attention and fails to consistently provide them with love, care, and nurture. Emotional neglect is on a spectrum from near complete neglect/disinterest to attention/interest waxing and waning unpredictably. When an infant or toddler perceives abandonment, even for a matter of seconds, she becomes restless, experiences unease, and will respond by reaching out for mother and crying to regain attention and bonding. Chaotic environments (such as orphanages, daycares, and homes marked by loud arguments, door slamming, thrown objects, domestic violence or strangers frequently entering and leaving) are incubators for the anxious-avoidant attachment style.
I have clients in their 20s and 30s who have avoided dating or had a very difficult time with dating due to an anxious-avoidant attachment style. They ask me what they can do to increase their capacity for secure attachment. I tell them the following. It’s something you can develop over time by dating others, cautiously taking the risk of being vulnerable, and tuning into the other’s response and your own response. While hoping for the best you monitor your own feelings. How comfortable/safe/at ease do you feel vs. how uncomfortable, unsafe, and uneasy with this other person. If you feel a slight flicker of fear see if you can stay with the other person without dashing away. If it becomes clear you are not safe with the other person, then excuse yourself and leave. If you date a number of people the odds are that at some point at least some of them will present as being more safe than a threat. Once you find a person who feels truly safe, get to know that person better, spend time with her, and see what evolves. You can always leave if you need to, but you may find comfort and security with this person. You will know when you find it. When you do find it, allow yourself to really take it in and savor it. This is a good way to retrain your amygdala (the brain’s fear center) to be more relaxed around someone who is or who could become a significant other.
