A dynamic that is fairly common which causes unnecessary friction and distress in couples is where one partner becomes highly defensive and verbally counter-attacks the other simply because the other has expressed a preference, suggestion or request. When questioned in therapy why he snaps at his partner and reflecting on it, he might say “I hate being controlled,” “if I admit she’s right I’ll feel stupid,” or “if I did give in it would be giving away my power.” The defensive partner’s perceptions and fears may seem legitimate to him but are neither valid nor helpful. The surficial reason a male may automatically and instantaneously reject what his female partner says is a mix of pride and arrogance. The deeper reason has to do with what father modeled for him in childhood. In older generations across many cultures the male was looked to as the authority, the one in control, the one with all the answers, and the one who got the last word. This why prideful behavior in relationships is more common in males even though it can be exhibited by either gender. More recently paternal authority has been challenged and in some families is softening, but by no means all.
Why is being humble beneficial in a bickering couple? Humility, a virtue taught by none other than Aristotle, makes us teachable and capable of receiving and learning from the wisdom of others. Here are some quotes that make the point. “In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.” Winston Churchill “The greatest wisdom consists in knowing one’s own follies.” Madeleine de Souvré “Only humility knows how to appreciate and admire the good qualities of others.” Sri Chinmoy Pride is all about saving face and makes the other partner feel dismissed. When you are humble you communicate that your partner and her preferences, views, and suggestions matter to you and will be taken seriously. Humility, as some men fear, does not lead to becoming a doormat or a whimp. A humble man does not have to passively absorb violations of his dignity or body. A humble man can maintain legitimate boundaries against things like exploitation or abuse and still be receptive to what others say without knee jerk defiance. What I like to ask a male client who is constantly in hot water with his female partner for being prideful/dismissive is, how is that working for you? This can spur sufficient reflection to help the client gain objectivity and motivate change.
