Childhood is when we form our self-image, our coping mechanisms to survive within our family of origin, and what I call our prime directive which is the organizing purpose of our lives. Adler and other psychological theorists have asserted that middle children who are sandwiched between the responsible/authoritarian older child and the spoiled youngest child are the ones most likely to be peacemakers because it is one of the few options available to them. In my own clinical experience I have observed that birth order is less a factor than family dynamics in shaping one child into a peacemaker. Instead, I have noticed that children who grow up to be peacemakers are often born into polarized, chaotic families where one child is oppositional, argumentative, and inclined to throw tantrums in early childhood and to “act out” in later childhood and adolescence. The parents are overwhelmed. The “good” child senses they are outgunned and need help and that she will accrue value and status in the family by helping to make peace. The peacemaking child may also be motivated by the need to tone down the noise in a divided family that raises her anxiety level. Thus the peacemaker may have multiple unconscious motivations to take on the role. The role becomes more and more problematic as the peacemaking child marries and has a family of her own, because there are few family roles more burdensome and thankless than that of the peacemaker. It’s akin to a diplomat trying to make peace in the Middle East. On top of that the peacemaker expends so much time and energy focusing on others that she does not take good care of herself or meet her own basic needs.
