The persona is the fictional as opposed to the authentic Self. It is the tapestry of traits, qualities, values, beliefs, preferences, aversions, and behavioral habits we unconsciously cobble together during childhood and adolescence. The criteria for what goes in and what stays out of the persona have to do with meeting basic needs (especially safety, love and belonging), getting approval, and avoiding rejection or abandonment. How a person meets basic needs, gains approval, and avoids rejection is largely determined by the family system in which he grows up and learns to function. This happens in two basic ways. One is through parental teachings by means of lectures, stories, comments, and appraisals of conduct. The other is by modeling, a process by which what the parent says is much less important than what the child observes her do. In constructing a persona children take account of both forms of education so that they can survive within the system. To survive it is essential for the child to gain parental acceptance and approval except where one or both parents are made hostile, violent or dangerous by mental illness, addiction or both, in which case children survive by becoming invisible or running away from home and joining other disaffected teens. Where gaining parental acceptance and approval is possible the child will generally become the person his parents want him to be. But sometimes this isn’t possible because the parent’s own trauma makes him/her physically harm or verbally degrade the child or the parent is emotionally incapable of bonding with the child due to trauma, depression, bipolar or addiction. Whether a child is or isn’t able to gain parental acceptance and approval he will develop a persona that he carries through life as a way of showing up in the world and interacting with others. The persona may get tweaked here and there in response to influential peers, teachers, coaches, and mentors, but it is usually baked by early adolescence. To me the most fascinating thing about the persona is that we can’t see it and we don’t know it’s there, just as a fish doesn’t know it lives in water. I liken the persona to a brain module because it is a program that determines perceptions, beliefs, desires, urges, goals, attractions, repulsions, and ways of relating without our knowledge or consent. When my clients judge and criticize themselves for wanting or acting in ways they don’t like they see themselves as defective. This is a category error, because it is not the true Self that is directing self-negating or self-harming behaviors; it is the persona. The Self is much larger than the persona and is filled with potential for growth and development that the persona never had and will never have. The persona is a rigid form that causes my client’s frustration, anger, and sadness. It is not fluid or plastic like the Self which is able to acquire the clarity, creativity, wisdom, and compassion that exceed the grasp of the persona. Many clients of mine tell me they are shocked to learn they have unwittingly become just like their parents despite wanting to be somebody, anybody else. There goes the old persona problem. The key to growing beyond the persona and being able to discard it is working in therapy to identify, cultivate, and harness the powers of the authentic Self.
