These days in my private practice I am seeing a growing number of divorced or divorcing spouses fleeing a marriage to someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The seduction that hooks the victim, the pattern of emotional abuse during the marriage, and the frightful psychological harms of the abuse are remarkably similar in each case. Typically the victim is enthralled to meet someone who showers them with attention, curiosity, sexual attraction, florid compliments, and professions of undying love. Hearing my clients talk about how they got hooked during the infatuation phase reminds me of the tales of lovers written by the Troubadours of the Middle Ages. These tales were too good to be true and that is the case of people with NPD who so bedazzle their victims, the victim loses all objectivity and misses all the red flags. The toxic Mr. Hyde concealed behind the kind Dr. Jekyll persona comes out quickly, often just days or weeks after the couple marry. Then it’s off to the races. The spouse with NPD toys with the victim without the slightest bit of empathy. He engages in pervasive manipulation, straight-faced lies, continuous gaslighting, and a combination of emotional cruelty and coldness that eventually destroys the other spouse’s self-esteem, self-confidence, and even her grasp on reality. To live for years with an expert gas lighter is as mind-altering as being kidnapped by a cult and continuously brainwashed to believe anything and everything her captor’s desire. Although emotional abuse by someone with NPD typically does not involve exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury or sexual violence. and therefor cannot be diagnosed as PTSD in the DSM-5, the victims of such abuse typically have most symptoms of PTSD at levels above the cutoff for that diagnosis. The victims of narcissistic abuse need a great deal of appropriate psychotherapy to recover including emotional stabilization, cognitive therapy to restore their ability to recognize reality, and CPT to correct their grossly distorted beliefs about self, others, and world. If you know someone who has been on the receiving end of years of narcissistic emotional abuse do not under-estimate how harmful it can be. It will be of help to them to provide them with compassion, empathy, and the suggestion that they see a therapist equipped to help them.
