In therapeutic practice one sees adults who perceive themselves as not mattering, being dismissed, and even being invisible. This is a terrible thing to feel and not surprisingly it leads to chronic depression. When and how does this self-perception arise? I have seen two different childhood paths to the same place. In one the child is raised by a parent who uses sharp criticism, harsh sarcasm, and other means to humiliate and silence the child when she expresses a need, a feeling or an opinion. The adult version of this child believes that nobody wants to hear what she has to say. Another mechanism involves a parent who strictly enforces silence from the family to cover up something shameful, something about him he knows is unacceptable to his neighbors. This could be alcoholism, drug addiction, domestic violence or some form of abuse of less powerful family members. A father seeking to cover up his harmful behavior at home will instruct his children in threatening ways that they must never tell anyone outside the home what he is doing. No matter how frightened, sad or needy of support the children are, they will not share their feelings with anyone. They build a wall around themselves to hold in family secrets. Ironically this wall causes them to feel invisible as adults because it blocks everyone else from connecting with, knowing or supporting them. So how can adults who grew up with these kinds of trauma learn to stop feeling as if they are invisible and don’t matter? A first step is to identify even one person they trust, a person they can count on to honor their feelings rather than attack or betray them. A next step is to slowly, gradually, and incrementally reveal themselves to that person. This will not only strengthen feelings of trust and safety, but demonstrate that you are actually seen by another and that you matter to this person. Doing this in conjunction with psychotherapy where the client is validated and affirmed for who she is can be immensely helpful. Eventually the client becomes able to trust and reveal herself to more people. This should be done with discrimination, caution, and selectivity to avoid setbacks.
