Between the extremes of pure self-sacrifice to please others and utter selfishness (where you do nothing for others unless it directly serves your personal interests) there lies a healthy middle ground called reciprocity. For many of my clients a root cause of their unhappiness is a combination of fear of rejection, lack of boundaries, and a reflexive readiness to give themselves up to the invitations, requests, and demands of others. To help these clients I teach them be self-aware, to notice when someone else is wanting them to bypass their values and interests, and notice the inner urge to do so, before making a conscious decision about how to respond. I also teach them to list the pros and cons of their past habit of giving themselves up, to take a hard look at what it has cost them, and to make a decision whether those costs were worth it. Discovering that the costs of giving oneself up far outweighs the benefits can be a springboard to change.
