Words are like knives. They can be used for positive purposes the way a sculptor uses them to create beautiful forms from wood or stone or the way the surgeon uses them to remove a cyst or tumor. They can also be used negatively by parents with intent to wound the spirit of their child. I work every day with adults who were wounded by the words of one or both parents and who never recovered.
Why on earth would a parent deliberately use cruel words to cut the fabric of his child’s spirit? Some parents have a preconceived and strongly held idea of who their child should be, how she should look, and how she should behave. If the child departs from their standard, they feel disappointment, frustration, and irritation. They blame and punish the child to vent their anger and let her know she has failed them. If these parents were physically abused by their own parents they will punch, slap, spank or use the belt. If they were verbally degraded by their parents they will use words instead, words that cut more deeply than blows. Parents who lose themselves in anger and inflict verbal violence tend to be impulsive, disinhibited, and poor at self-regulation. They lack empathy for their child and have no sense of the harm they are inflicting.
Complex PTSD refers to recurrent micro-traumas that combine to saddle a child with lifelong symptoms of depression and anxiety and often with comorbid symptoms such as panic, phobias, OCD, perfectionism, insomnia, fatigue, dissociation, depersonalization or derealization. What verbal micro-traumas cause CPTSD? How about, “you’re a ____________ (disgrace, embarrassment or mistake)” “you will never amount to anything,” “you’re not my __________ (son or daughter),” or “why can’t you be more like your (brother or sister)?” I have heard all of these and more from my clients.
The child assaulted by these degrading words gets the message that she is defective, unworthy, unlovable, and nothing more than an annoying, useless burden to her poor parents. This message is not just imprinted metaphorically; it is literally wired into the child’s brain in the places where the self-image schema and the fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses are held. The child becomes a woman or man with a history of life-long verbal self-attacks, shame, social avoidance, lack of intimacy, and the use of maladaptive coping mechanisms that often include alcoholic drinking.
The flip side of the power of words to hurt is the power of words to heal. As a therapist who has worked with hundreds of adult survivors of this kind of childhood trauma, I have seen and felt the power of positive words which act as a healing balm to old wounds. When I use words of acceptance, validation, encouragement, praise, and hope with my clients, I see and feel them experience relief like desert plants soaking up rain after months of heat and drought. Although positive words cannot by themselves cure years of childhood wounding from hateful verbal aggression by ignorant parents, they definitely help the process along. During therapy the client internalizes the therapist’s positive words when they are spoken with complete sincerity and backed up by evidence. It is a form of relearning that can help reshape the client’s self image schema.
The power of words to hurt or heal is exemplified in no less than the life of Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychotherapy. From many books on Freud, including autobiographical material, it is well known that he had a strict, harsh father (Jakob) and an adoring mother (Amalia) who doted on him and predicted great things for him. In the book Primitive Bodily Communications in Psychotherapy edited by Raffaella Hilty, there is a remarkable vignette about the young Sigmund. Around age 7-8 he peed in his father’s presence in his parents’ bedroom triggering the father to condemn him with the words, “you will amount to nothing.” Think about how Freud’s personal history and the history of the world would have changed if Freud’s mother was not there to counteract these verbal attacks and empower Freud with loving words of praise.
